Can you believe it?!
Its my first day on the job and I already have writers block.
Literally, I spent half the night trying to come up with an opening sentence. nothing.
I mean, what the hell am I thinking. writing a blog.
I struggle with doubts about this and I don’t think its because I’m worried about criticism or judgement. Its more of YOU, knowing who I am and how I got here.
But, I refuse to care. I can’t care. Ive spent my entire life hiding behind what other people might think. I have feelings to share, I have wisdom to gain.
That moment, lead to this… A memory
Im gunna take you back a few years to high school. The years that shape us adolescents.
Ive always felt like I was “popular” in school, you know? I had a lot of friends, lots of acquaintances. I knew everybody and everybody knew me.
Yet, I had no clue where I belonged. I wasn’t part of anyones group, or “click”. I could walk down the hall and say hi to a million people, but I was walking alone. No sidekick, no best friend. Just me. During free blocks, I never knew where to go or what to do. I would roam the halls, acting like I had somewhere to be. I’d stop by and have a quick chat with teachers on hall duty, check out what the janitors were up to and pretend like I was busy, making pit stops to no where.
Lunch was kind of hard. Sometimes I hung out in the library but I spent most of the time hiding in the bathroom… waiting for the damn bell to ring.
I didn’t have a place.
Walking out into halls flooded with kids rushing to get to their next class, they had no idea, I just spent an entire block hiding.
I realized from then on, the world doesn’t stop for you.
I don’t fit in, and thats ok.
As and adult, I still don’t know my place. Im struggling between my own conflictions of wanting to be alone and wanting to be social, understanding the healthy boundaries between the two.
My biggest defense mechanism is to hide.
To pretend and to keep running.
So, I run.
Dear god, its me. Jenny…