Writers Block

Can you believe it?!

Its my first day on the job and I already have writers block.

Literally, I spent half the night trying to come up with an opening sentence. nothing.

I mean, what the hell am I thinking. writing a blog.

I struggle with doubts about this and I don’t think its because I’m worried about criticism or judgement. Its more of YOU, knowing who I am and how I got here.

But, I refuse to care. I can’t care. Ive spent my entire life hiding behind what other people might think. I have feelings to share, I have wisdom to gain.

That moment, lead to this… A memory

Im gunna take you back a few years to high school. The years that shape us adolescents.

Ive always felt like I was “popular” in school, you know?  I had a lot of friends, lots of  acquaintances. I knew everybody and everybody knew me.

Yet, I had no clue where I belonged. I wasn’t part of anyones group, or “click”. I could walk down the hall and say hi to a million people, but I was walking alone. No sidekick, no best friend. Just me. During free blocks, I never knew where to go or what to do. I would roam the halls, acting like I had somewhere to be. I’d stop by and have a quick chat with teachers on hall duty, check out what the janitors were up to and pretend like I was busy, making pit stops to no where.

Lunch was kind of hard. Sometimes I hung out in the library but I spent most of the time hiding in the bathroom… waiting for the damn bell to ring.

I didn’t have a place.

Walking out into halls flooded with kids rushing to get to their next class, they had no idea, I just spent an entire block hiding.

I realized from then on, the world doesn’t stop for you.

I don’t fit in, and thats ok.

As and adult, I still don’t know my place. Im struggling between my own conflictions of wanting to be alone and wanting to be social, understanding the healthy boundaries between the two.

My biggest defense mechanism is to hide.

To pretend and to keep running.

So, I run.

Dear god, its me. Jenny…

7 thoughts on “Writers Block

  1. Say it like it is, Jenny. You got a story to tell and it’s beautiful because it’s yours. I comend you for your bravery and I can imagine it’s not easy…..but you’re doing it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There is no right place to fit “in.” Just be the beautiful person you are. Everybody loves you for you, so just be the best “Penner” ever!!! Love you girl!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I do like that you are trying to express yourself out loud.Good attempt!And about writing a blog, you will eventually get used to it.Ideas pop up at times and you will actually be eager to put your thoughts down on the blog!

    Like

  4. That’s was you cranking butts in the 1600s bathroom wasn’t it?? 😉 I love you so much Jenny thank you for sharing your story!! keep writing its a beautiful release xo

    Like

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